Dr. Phil – Women Beware!

Probably the only post I will have as far as this 'pickup community' goes.

I think Smoothcall wrote one of the best posts there is on this subject and I congratulate him for it. I think women misinterpret what this ‘community’ or ‘game’ is. While yes, sex is involved, it is not by any manipulative means worse than taking a girl out for dinner. If you’re a chode, being yourself is not going to work. The community helps you to be your best self. Some other motto’s that are used in the community are, “Leave a woman better off than you found her.” So if you still think ‘the community’ is horrible, keep your kids away from my kids whenever I have kids, because you bet they’ll be raised up right.

SmoothCall Says:
April 12, 2008 at 5:25 pm

I have struggled my entire life with social anxiety and depression and I know many others who have also. While I mostly disagree with what you are saying, I’ve studied NLP and will let you know that I do agree that NLP is mostly manipulation.

However, as to the rest of what you have written, I would like to voice my strong disagreement.

I would suggest you consider that many of us have found that the “thousands of qualified therapists in the U.S. to help people . . .” generally like to give us drugs. They don’t teach us social skills. Many of them ignore the cutting edge research that is beginning to indicate that perhaps we can change our brain chemistry and neuro-structures through meditations and getting out into the real world and interacting with others over and over.

I’ve had many painful times in my life when I stood in the corner of a room full of people, even people that I knew, and was afraid to talk to them. Inside I was crying. Outside, I covered it with a veneer of being an unfriendly grouch. People called me cranky, nerdy, aloof, arrogant, and standoffish. Really, I was dying inside. I often had panic attacks. Taking drugs stopped the panic attacks, but never taught me social skills.

I was very fortunate with women because I was good looking in my younger days, women would approach me. But the attractive, sane, well-adjusted ones would often quickly excuse themselves because they could tell I was “off”. So, I the women I had relationships with were those who were attracted to my looks, chose me, and settled for my personality. You have no idea how emasculating that is to a man — I couldn’t have a woman I wanted — only those that wanted me. My relationships were lousy because they were with people who were as damaged as I was.

I was bitter and angry at the world and myself. It made no sense to me that a tall, fit, handsome man with a six figure income couldn’t talk to women and had the utmost difficulty even making friends.

So, I made it a goal to fix the problem. I’ve spent years studying books by some of the people you rail against, and many others, including Daniel Goleman, Robert Greene, The Dalai Lama, R.Don Steele, Liel Lowndes, Nathanial Bradin, David Deida, Eckhart Tolle, Neil Strauss, John Sarno, M.D., Dossie Easton, Cathrine Liszt, and many many others (I just looked at the books on my close bookshelf — there are dozens more downstairs).

I have incorporated many things they write about and teach into daily meditations and into my daily actions. And guess what? Now I can say hello to a stranger for no reason other than to say hello. Sometimes (on a good day) I can walk into a party, conference, bar, grocery store, mall, or other public place and actually “pick up” a woman. I’m guessing you wouldn’t want the details of how I walked into a bar last year alone and walked out with two women who came home with me — so, I’ll spare you. But like I said, some days are better than others. (smile)

But besides “women” I am really good now at introducing myself to both men and women in business settings and conferences and so forth. I could never do that before. I actually seem to like most people now. I used to hate them all.

What I find surprising is that you seem to misunderstand the television’s show depiction of the playful banter that occurs between some men and women. You call it insulting. We call it flirting. Sometimes it is testing and qualifying. It is part of a necessary screening process for men and women who have many demands made on their time.

Men and women who have many demands made on their time by others must have a screening process to establish who is worthy of their time. This is necessary — as humans, we each only have 24 hours each day. When it comes to men, women, and sex — I can assure you that very few attractive women would have enough time to accommodate all the men who want to have sex with them. Therefore, they must screen.

The first type of man these women almost always eliminate are those who they do not consider their “equals” (read an old book called “The Passion Paradox” for insight on this — but there are also plenty of evolutionary theories to explain this). Playful banter, mild putdowns, back handed compliments, carrot and stick, push-pull are all things that have been used for thousands of years to screen out the unworthy. If you can take it as well as you give it, that is, if you understand how the game is played, you are one step closer to being “in”.

There are other tests and screening devices. The higher a value society puts on that person as a whole, the tougher the screening devices and tests. The modern day pick up artists did not invent this game. But they have broken down the rules and taught them to those of us who are socially retarded nerds. The game is being played — with or without you and me — if we want to join, we must know the rules and possess the skills.

And I want to join. I understand that you don’t. It appears that you are happy with your husband and life and that is of course a wonderful thing. That should be enough for any of us, right? To be happy with the lives we have had the good fortune to build.

As I said, I want to join “the game” and hang out with the popular and beautiful people. And to a limited degree I have — I’ve “dated” my share of the so-called “beautiful people” — including some very minor movie starlets. I’m sure I’ll get flamed for this next politically incorrect statement, and most people will say I am shallow: But my experience has been that the socially savvy, pretty, popular, cheerful, successful, funny, smart people are usually way more fun than “regular” people.

Finally, there’s one more point I want to make right now: The kind of women that “the game” makes angry are generally the kind of women we don’t want. So, really, we are in a perfect world, because the kind of women we make angry don’t want us. See, so there’s nothing to fight about. (smile)

Nevertheless, this blog has attracted some minor attention in the PU community. Thus, I have written this post to give heart and encouragement to my brothers, those former frustrated chumps, who no longer view “the game” from the sidelines, wishing to be able to play. Sarge On!

P.S.: don’t feed the trolls.